بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
We begin by praising God Almighty, Who created all things in pairs. May the best benedictions and peace
be upon the best exemplar for humanity, the Seal of Prophethood, Muhammad صلى الله عليه و سلم. To proceed:
The Collapse of Marriage –
Some Personal Thoughts
Regarding The Division of Hearts1
My wife and I entered Islam around thirty years ago. We were together before becoming Muslims and, by
God’s permission, have remained together for these decades. I mention this only so that it makes more
sense when I quote her as having said more than once, “We used to put more consideration into who we
dated than these Muslims put into who they will marry.”
Over these many years, I have seen and heard a great many marriage stories. Some were more beautiful
than fairy tales, some humbling and down to earth, some that raised eyebrows and others, I would
describe as horrific. Some marriages I personally know became lasting love stories and some didn’t make
it through a single weekend.
A lack of compatibility is a cause for some of the problems, for sure. But it seems that the two greatest
reasons for failure are ignorance and heedlessness. To be a bit clearer, there is a lack of sound foundations and a lack of spirituality: the hearts and minds.
I married when I was twenty-one. I had nothing…including any real trade or skills (or at least none
worthy of mention). We struggled together and, by God’s leave, we made ends meet. When we married,
we were both still immature, and neither of us had an example of a working relationship, let alone a
“home”. What we did have was faith…and faith came first, even between us. I remember coming home
from work one day and all of my CDs and cassettes were in the trash…tied up and taken out. My wife’s
response: “Well, the book said music is haram.” That was enough for us.
Right or wrong, correct or in error, the point is that we clung to our faith. Allah says in the Qur’an,
وَمَا كَانَ لِمُؤْمِنٍ وَلَا مُؤْمِنَةٍ
إِذَا قَضَى اللَّهُ وَرَسُولُهُ أَمْرًا
أَن يَكُونَ لَهُمُ الْخِيَرَةُ مِنْ أَمْرِهِمْ
وَمَن يَعْصِ اللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُ
فَقَدْ ضَلَّ ضَلَالًا مُّبِينًا
“It is not for a believing man or woman,
when Allah and His Messenger decree a matter,
to have any other choice in that matter.
Indeed, whoever disobeys Allah and His Messenger,
They have clearly gone astray.”
(33:36)
To be very clear, I am not sharing my own experiences as “picture perfect.” Far from it. Rather, my point
is that my wife and I decided we were in it for the long haul, and here we remain…despite all the ups,
downs, twists, turns, and loops along the way.
I share all of this to make it clear, as I move forward, that I am not speaking merely from a place of
academia, nor am I attempting to be needlessly judgmental. Instead, I hope to look at a problem in our
communities from two angles and, God willing, propose a very simple but effective solution.
As for the problem, it is the issue of failed marriages in our communities. These failed marriages are, in
many cases, a source of division and weakness. They serve as stumbling blocks, hindering the
establishment of viable communities. Worse still, they make Islam appear unattractive to those who
observe us – serving as a kind of “anti-da’wa”. As for the two angles through which I hope to address this, they are the ignorance and heedlessness mentioned earlier. And through them, I hope to make it clear that the solution lies in addressing the hearts and minds.
There is certainly equal blame to go around. The women deserve no more blame than the me, nor the
men any more than the women. Yet, despite this, these issues manifest in different ways. For women,
ignorance is often expressed in the rejection of patriarchy and traditional family roles, while heedlessness may appear as a materialist mindset and lack of contentment. For men, ignorance is often expressed in overlooking their wives as whole, free, independent human beings, while heedlessness appears in being led by passions and desires along with a general lack of gratitude.
In many struggling marriages we also find that, despite both spouses knowing the “rights and
responsibilities” of marriage, they view them as a kind of checklist. They use the marriage contract as
though it is a kind of business deal where there is a mental “profit/loss margin” used as a measure of some sort. There is a kind of ignorance of common sense – a common result of this half-baked legalistic
approach to family life.
The Muslim man, for the most part, wants a woman who is non-combative and has no interest in
emasculating her husband. This does not mean someone utterly submissive and obedient like a servant.
Those men seeking this often do so due to insecurities in their own masculinity. What we mean is a
woman who is willing to follow the lead of her husband, recognizing his position as head of household,
honoring the responsibility this places on his shoulders…and simply not being disrespectful to him.
The Muslim woman, for the most part, wants to feel seen and heard. She wants to be recognized for the
work that she does and honored as the queen of her husband’s castle…protected, respected and nurtured. The vast majority want to not have to be masculine and strong; they want to be afforded the opportunity to be feminine.
Beyond this, the roles of the spouses in every time and every land…in every culture…vary. No two
relationships are the same. Some families desperately need two or three incomes and some, it is enough
for one spouse to work…and sometimes, the woman makes more than the man. The value of a man is
NOT in his paycheck. And too, know that the Prophet ﷺ is described as doing “what any of you men do” – he helped to clean, he mended clothes, he repaired shoes. The prophet ﷺ played with the children and
helped his wives with them…nurturing them. The value of a woman is NOT in her domestic skills. A
couple finds the right balance between them.
This balancing is found through honesty and vulnerability. It is through the honesty and vulnerability that
compassion manifests and trust is nurtured. And it is only through nurturing trust that love is found. After
infatuation has burned itself out, the willingness to sacrifice that we call “love” remains.
Unfortunately what we see is brothers treating marriages like “flings”…but “It’s ok, Akh, it’s lawful”.
Yet, how many of these marriages, despite valid contracts, will be weighed as something blame worthy (or worse) on the Day of Judgment. Indeed, actions are but by intentions and every soul shall have that which they intend.
On par with this are the brothers who think that it is manly to have multiple wives despite the state being
the one supporting both his wives – their housing, their food and a monthly check – and their wives using
that to support them (often in a latest, greatest get-rich scheme). If a man can’t support himself, what is he doing marrying one wife, let alone multiple wives?
Is the contract valid?
There we go with the legalese again.
And this is why our women are supposed to have guardians who will do all due diligence to ensure their
well-being…weeding out the predators who see our sisters as little more than prey.
I do not claim that the women are completely free of guilt. But when they are guilty we often find that this is due to a cycle that started very early in their lives. They were victims and prey long before they took on the role of predators. And again, we point out: this is why they are supposed to have trustworthy, upright and courageous guardians.
Still, for the most part, women (like the majority of men, I like to believe) just want tranquility and calm.
They want to be reminded of God and supported in their Deen…nurtured…without having a mini-dictator
over them acting like the religious police. Someone who wants the best for them and will lovingly enjoin
the good and forbid the evil from a place of compassion while recognizing that their journey is between
themselves and God.1
Due to this, we hear of many Muslim women who have said that they prefer to marry a Christian man
over a Muslim. Their claim is that, in doing so, they find what they have been asking the Muslim men
for. They find actual dynamic relationships…not cold, calculated checklists and judgments. The clear and
apparent problem with this is that these marriages are invalid in Islam.
These Muslim women and those who validate them seek to justify it by pointing out that God has made3
marriage to the People of the Book lawful. Despite this claim of theirs, the verse making such marriage
lawful is clearly with regard to Muslim men marrying women from the People of the Book, as God says,
Yes, the man is responsible over his household and his role is to guide and govern his family and his home!2
However, we must also recognize that we will NOT be held responsible on the Day of Judgment for the choices
our wives knowingly and willfully make.
We can (and perhaps should) establish boundaries that serve as “deal breakers” for us…and clear consequences
for them. An example might be that, if my wife were to remove her Hijab, openly disobeying Allah and His
Messenger ﷺ, I would not want to remain married to her.
However, we must remember that women are wholly and fully humans – they are independent free-agents
responsible for their own choices. The husband does not bear the sin of the wife nor does the wife bear the sin of
the husband…unless they led them down that path and held the gate open for them.
And many validate them not based on validity but due to being able to “relate” or to “understand their plight”.3
None of this, however, can make that which is unlawful lawful.
3
ٱملُْؤْمِنَـٰتِ َ مِن ُ وَٱملُْحْصَنَـٰت
ْقَبْلِكُم مِن َ ٱلْكِتَـٰب ۟ أُوتُوا َ ٱلَّذِين َ مِن ُ وَٱملُْحْصَنَـٰت
َمُحْصِنِني َّ أُجُورَهُن َّ ءَاتَيْتُمُوهُن إِذَآ
ٍۢأَخْدَان ٓ مُتَّخِذِى َ وَال َ مُسَـٰفِحِني َ غَيْر ۗ
“And ˹permissible for you in marriage˺ are chaste believing women
as well as chaste women of those given the Scripture before you –
as long as you pay them their dowries in wedlock,
neither fornicating nor taking them as mistresses.”
(5:5)
With regard to the Muslim woman, God says clearly,
۟يُؤْمِنُوا ٰ حَتَّى َ ٱملُْشْرِكِني ۟ تُنكِحُوا َ وَال ۚ
“…And do not marry your women to idolatrous men until they believe…”
(2:221)
The argument regarding this is that it is not talking about non-Muslims in general but rather, pagans
specifically (not People of the Book). That is reasonable but, making the matter very clear for everyone,
we read,
۟ءَامَنُوٓا َ ٱلَّذِين يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا
َّفَٱمْتَحِنُوهُن ٍۢ مُهَـٰجِرَٰت ُ ٱملُْؤْمِنَـٰت ُ جَآءَكُم إِذَا ۖ
َّبِإِيمَـٰنِهِن ُ أَعْلَم َُّ ٱهلل ۖ
ِٱلْكُفَّار إِلَى َّ تَرْجِعُوهُن َ فَال ٍۢ مُؤْمِنَـٰت َّ عَلِمْتُمُوهُن ْ فَإِن ۖ
َّلَهُن َ يَحِلُّون ْ هُم َ وَال ْ لَّهُم ٌّۭ حِل َّ هُن َ ال ۖ
۟أَنفَقُوا مَّآ وَءَاتُوهُم ۚ
“O you who believe!
When the believing women come to you as emigrants,
test their intentions
– their faith is best known to Allah –
and if you find them to be believers,
then do not send them back to the disbelievers.
These ˹women˺ are not lawful ˹wives˺ for the disbelievers,
nor are the disbelievers lawful ˹husbands˺ for them.
˹But˺ repay the disbelievers whatever ˹dowries˺ they had paid.”
(60:10)
Here it is clearly stated that,
َّلَهُن َ يَحِلُّون ْ هُم َ وَال ْ لَّهُم ٌّۭ حِل َّ هُن َ ال
“The Muslim Woman is not lawful as a wife for the Non-Muslim,
Nor are the non-Muslims lawful as husbands for them.”
4
Thus, the matter is made clear .4
But, what this means is that, while the Muslim man is permitted to marry the women of the People of the
Book, the men available for marriage to the Muslim woman are a lot fewer. Men of wisdom would look at
this and understand that, despite the legitimacy of such marriages, our Muslim sisters have more right.
Sadly, what we find in our community are our sisters being reserved for “Ramadhan marriages” or
“hookup marriages” while the non-Muslim is sought as that “Trophy Wife”. This is making low what is
high and making high what is low. It is a backwardness that has a way of reflecting the inner reality of our
communities.5
The Muslims are seeking means to remedy the situations they are witnessing. Many sisters, for example,
refuse to get married in the month of Ramadhan or just before it. In many cases for the men marrying
non-Muslim wives, it is due to a seeking of respect and peace, and in almost every case of the Muslim
woman marrying a non-Muslim man it is in the search of being treated as a wife rather than a commodity
This does open up the discussion regarding those women who enter into Islam while already having been4
married (to a non-Muslim) before hand and what effect this has on the marriage. The opinions of the scholars
vary … and in the Messenger of Allah we have the best of examples!
There are two other unfortunate matters that deserve addressing but are outside the scope of this paper – the5
first are the brothers demanding that their wives come to the table as 50/50 financial partners. Demanding that
they work and pay half the bills as though this is somehow acceptable behavior. Times are hard and they get
harder but to put that as a stipulation in one’s marriage is unfounded and, to be frank, very feminine. By
feminine, I mean the very opposite of masculine behavior.
The second matter are the passport marriages. There are those which are meant only to fraud the government
and those that are meant to fraud both, the government and the spouse. Those meant only to fraud the
government are often paid agreements between two parties to enter into a fraudulent marriage for the purposes
of securing citizenship. Despite any verbal (or written) agreements – the marriage is lawful and binding with the
rights and responsibilities that come with that…even if the two parties don’t like it. This means either or both
parties may very easily fall into even major sins due to their treatment of that contract.
As for those who seek to fraud the government and the spouse, these are the worst kind. Where a person feigns
attraction and care, baiting someone into marriage and then, once their immigration status is secure, they leave
them high and dry. How many times has this ruined the lives of our sisters…and even children. This is why I
hold the opinion no American Muslim Sister should ever marry a brother who does not already hold a legal
immigrant status.
In both of these cases the perpetrators are committing fraud – which is illegal and against the Islamic principles.
But more than this, they are making a mockery of an institution God has made sacred. They are using the sacred
for no other reason than to try and gain something of this world. They are destroying lives because they are
chasing some “Dream”…which all too often they find out swiftly was an ephemeral lie.
Such muslims – male or female – no matter how good they may appear in the community, no matter how much
they smile and say nice words, are despicable as they sow corruption in the earth for no other reason than
selfishness … the very opposite of what Islam is, as the Prophet ﷺ told us, this Deen is Naseeha.
or worse, property . Again, the point I want to make is that the Muslims are seeking to remedy the6
situations we find our communities in. The problem, however, is that all too often they are doing so in
ways that never address the root causes and worse, sometimes transgressing the boundaries to do so.
So what then are the remedies?
If we recall that the problems go back to the hearts and minds, that is, ignorance and heedlessness, then
the remedies are necessarily found there as well. Interestingly, I can start with a single word remedy that
could suffice the sincere: integrity. Be who you claim you are. Be Muslims. The solution is found in the
Declaration of Faith – There is no God other than Allah (nothing has the right to be worshipped other than
God alone!) and Muhammad ﷺ is His Messenger (He is our guide and example).
Sadly, for many, this seems too easy and they hope for a more complicated answer. For those readers I
will continue on.
As for the remedy to the ignorance one might think it lies in learning more about marriage in Islam – more
legalese and philosophy. This is not the case. The problem is usually not a lack of information; it is often
a lack of common sense. Did we all not learn as small children to treat others as we wish to be treated?
Did the Prophet ﷺ not teach that none of us has complete faith until we love for our brothers what we
love for ourselves, that the Muslim is the one whom other Muslims are safe from their tongues and their
hands, that the one who does not show mercy will not be shown mercy? And who has more right to the
sunnah than our own families? Our households? Our spouses and our children?
The Prophet ﷺ didn’t demand respect, he embodied it. He was respectful and compassionate…he was
both, loving and dignified – he ﷺ carried himself in such a way that his wives wanted to follow his lead.
And for the part of his wives, they all had their own personalities (and he honored those personalities) but
each of them humbled themselves to his leadership…no matter how strong and independent they were
(and several were very, very much so).
We claim to be people of “The Sunnah”…but it seems most of us do not even know who the Prophet ﷺ
was, let alone his Sunnah. He taught us how to be humans. How to be whole. How to love and show
compassion. If your “following of the Sunnah” is not doing this, this is where the learning must begin.
As for the remedy for heedlessness it is in remembrance. Remembrance of who we are, who we can be
and who we are supposed to be. We are from the Friends of God and His vicegerents upon the earth as He
declares in the Qur’an. We have the potential to be loftier than the angels, loved by God. We are supposed
to be the best of people FOR mankind that we encourage and support all that is good and we stand out
and dissuade from what is wrong because we are believers.
The remembrance of God is not mindless, passive repetition on the tongue, it is not just a thought in the
mind…nor is it even a deep-rooted echo in the hearts. The truest remembrance is that which shows up in
our character, how we treat others and how we carry ourselves…it shows up in the choices we make.
Do we remember God such that we are remembered or are we heedless to the point that we even forget
ourselves…forgetting who we are. We claim to be Muslims but where is our sincerity to God? Our
sincerity before God? Do we truly remember Him?
If we were those who remembered God and adhered to the Sunnah of His Messenger ﷺ – sincerely and
with integrity – the fruit would be seen. Healing would happen. But not just healing, we would become
stronger. There would be blessings seen in our families, in our wealth, in our communities and throughout
our lives…even in the most difficult of times.
If we truly were people of Remembrance of God, people of the Sunnah, we would be working to make
Islam foremost in this land…and that would begin by making it foremost in our homes. NOT in some
constricted regimental way with a checklist of do’s and don’ts but with a loving compassion that flows
from our humanity . We would simply be “Muslims” in all that that entails, in every situation and7
circumstance.
Lest we forget it – whether we like it or not, we as individuals, as families and as communities are the
da’wa. We represent Islam in everything we say and do. We are looked at as the microcosm for the entire
history of Islam and all of the Muslims around the world today. The people do not read books or
pamphlets, they read us. They do not listen to lectures and debates, they listen to us in our everyday
interactions. We are the representatives of God and His Messenger ﷺ in our lands. How we are with our
communities, our neighbors, our parents, our children … and our spouses … is teaching the non-Muslims
what Islam is.
The real remedy to the marital woes in our communities is the same remedy to most of our problems:
being true to who we claim we are – being true to our testimony, “There is none worthy of worship other
than God Almighty Alone and Muhammad ﷺ is His Servant and Messenger. In a word – integrity…fully
being who we claim we are.
This was completed by the grace of God alone on the 7th day of the sacred month of Dhu-l-Qi’dah 1447
(April 25, 2026) in Baltimore, MD. by Wm. Halim Breiannis . Recognizing that all success is with God
alone, we end as we began, with praising our Lord and sending the best benedictions and peace upon His
beloved ﷺ.
- Yes, the man is responsible over his household and his role is to guide and govern his family and his home!
However, we must also recognize that we will NOT be held responsible on the Day of Judgment for the choices our wives knowingly and willfully make.
We can (and perhaps should) establish boundaries that serve as “deal breakers” for us…and clear consequences for them. An example might be that, if my wife were to remove her Hijab, openly disobeying Allah and His Messenger ﷺ, I would not want to remain married to her.
However, we must remember that women are wholly and fully humans – they are independent free-agents responsible for their own choices. The husband does not bear the sin of the wife nor does the wife bear the sin of the husband…unless they led them down that path and held the gate open for them. ↩︎